Just Pondering

  • Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine. 

    Theme parks can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a roller coaster going 70 mph, but bank cameras can’t get a clear shot of a robber standing still. 

  • Someone posted that they had just made synonym buns. I replied “you mean just like the ones that grammar used to make?”  I am now blocked. 

  • Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers .. if you do find one, what’s your plan? 

  • The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
    Facial recognition software can pick a person out of a crowd but the vending machine at work can’t recognize a dollar bill with a bent corner. 

  • When all this pandemic stuff is over, I still plan to wear a mask. It hides the perpetual look of annoyance I have for most people.

  • Covid-19 Fact: 87% of gym members don’t even know their gym is closed. 

  • I never make the same mistake twice. I do it like, five or six times, you know, to make sure.

  • Someone just honked to get me out of my parking space faster, so now I just have to sit here until both of us are dead. 

  • My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors. 

  • If you see someone buying candy, popcorn and a soda at the movies, they are a drug dealer. There’s no other explanation for that type of income.

  • I know it’s time to clean out my purse when my car assumes it’s an extra passenger who isn’t wearing a seat belt. 

  • Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body will get rid of cellulite. Apparently you can’t do this in Starbucks. And now the cops are here… 

  • Do not vaccinate health care workers first. If it fails, we’re all in trouble. Vaccinate the politicians first. If we lose a few of them, it won’t matter. 

  • In the 1960s I fell off my bike and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because we didn’t have social media then. 

  • Some people seem to have aged like fine wine. I aged like milk … I got sour and chunky. 

  • Dear Sneeze: If you’re going to happen, happen. Don’t just put a stupid look on my face and then leave. 

  • I still have a full deck, I just shuffle slower 

  • We all know Albert Einstein was a genius. but his brother Frank was a monster.

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