I have taken down the original post because I regretted writing it. Revealing my emotions on a public site is something i vowed I would never do, and I broke that promise to myself.
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In a particular 12 Step Recovery program(tradition says we do not name in in public media as it is anonymous) , it promises that we will not regret the past. I do, however, but had to experience that regretful past to be where I am: clean and sober 13 years.