April Fool
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April Fool
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Trump Quits
Posted on 01/04/2016 by Grumpa Joe
It Just Keeps Coming
Posted on 01/04/2016 by Grumpa Joe
My goal for 2015 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.
How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some Meat.
I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web
I don’t mean to brag but……I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.
I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented….I forgot where I was going with this
I love being over 60. I learn something new every day…….and forget 5 others.
A thief broke into my house last night……He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like: I KNOW, right?
I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
PS: Sunday, March 13, 2016 began Daylight Savings Time. Hope you set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.
Filed under: Aging, family, Food, Humor, Seniors | Tagged: Jokes | 1 Comment »
Notice This
Posted on 01/04/2016 by Grumpa Joe
Did you ever notice:
I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses.
A young lady walks over to me and asks, “What brings you in today?” I looked at her, and said, “I’m interested in buying a refrigerator.” She didn’t quite know how to respond. Am I getting to be that age?
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can’t afford one. So I’m wearing my garage door opener.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it ‘Pumping Rust’.
When people see a cat’s litter box they always say, ‘Oh, have you got a cat?’ Just once I want to say, ‘ No, it’s for company !’
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, ‘An ambulance.’
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.
As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.
Birds of a feather flock together …….. and then crap on your car.
The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble..
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their ” odometers.” Not me. I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
Filed under: Aging, family, Humor | Tagged: Jokes | Leave a comment »
Seen Around Town
Posted on 01/04/2016 by Grumpa Joe
A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN
VANCOUVER THAT READ:
“We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.”
Sign over a Gynaecologist’s Office:
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”;
In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”;
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels
At an Optometrist’s Office:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for,
You’ve come to the right place.”;
On a Plumber’s truck :
“We repair what your husband fixed.”;
On another Plumber’s truck:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”;
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
“Invite us to your next blowout.”;
On an Electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”;
In a Non-smoking Area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”;
On a Maternity Room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”;
At a Car Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”;
Outside a car exhaust Shop:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”;
In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”;
At the Electric Company:
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don’t, YOU will be de-lighted.”
In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”;
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”;
At a Propane Filling Station:
“Thank Heaven for little grills.”;
In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
“Best place in town to take a leak.”;
On a Plumber’s truck :
“A flush is better than a full house.”;
And the best one for last…;
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
“Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”
Filed under: Humor, Uncategorized | Tagged: electricians, Plumbers, shoemakers | 1 Comment »
