Grumpa Joe's Place

Dear Diary:

Aug. 12: Moved to our new home in Illinois. It is so beautiful here. The scenery is wonderful. Can hardly wait to see it with snow covering the landscape. I love it here!

Oct. 14: Illinois is the most beautiful place on Earth! The leaves have turned all colors with shades of red and orange. Went for a ride in the country and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on Earth. This must be Paradise. I love it here!

Nov. 11: Deer season will start soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.

Dec. 2: It snowed last night! Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snow ball fight (I won), and when the snowplow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Illinois.

Dec. 12: More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his trick to the driveway again. I love it here.

Dec. 19: More snow last night. I couldn’t get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Damn snow plow.

Dec. 22: More of that white shit fell last night. I’ve got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the curve and waits until I am done shoveling the driveway. Asshole!

Dec. 26: Merry stinking Christmas. More damn snow! If I ever get my hands on that son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I’ll kill the bastard. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the roads to melt the damn ice.

Dec. 28: More white shit last night. Been inside for 3 days except for the shoveling out the driveway after every time the snow plow goes through. Can’t go anywhere, car’s stuck in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10″ of the shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow are in 10″??

Dec. 29: The stinking weatherman was wrong. We got 12″ of the white shit this time. At this rate it won’t melt before next summer. The snowplow got stuck up the road and that bastard came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had already broken six shovels while shoveling all the damn snow he pushed into the driveway, I broke the last one over his damn head.

Jan. 4: Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a damned deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. Did about $3000 damage to the car. Those damn beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

May 3: Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusting our from that damned salt they put all over the road??!

May 10: Moved to Arizona. I can’t imagine why anyone in his right mind would ever live in the state of Illinois.

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MOVING TO ARIZONA

May 30th — Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here!

June 14th — Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I’m turning into a real sun worshipper.

June 30th — Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here!

July 10th — The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it’s a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th — Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learrned my lesson though: got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.

July 25th — Dry f***ing heat, my ass. Hot is hot!! The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th — Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,100 in damn house payments and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug 4th — 115 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this f***ing state.

Aug 8th — If another wise ass cracks, “Hot enough for ya today?”, I’m going to tear his f***ing throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet.

Aug 10th — The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and Sunny. It’s been too hot to f*** for two damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this barren damn desert?? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the pool. Even a cactus can’t live in this heat.

Aug 14th — Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the f***ing windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for ya today?” My wife had to spend the $1,100 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Aug 30th — Worst day of the damn summer. I’m not leaving the house. The monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewher

Filed under: family, Humor, Satire | Tagged: Arizona Heat, Chicago snow |